I'm a lifelong engineer.
I started programming when I was 12, studied computer engineering in college.
But I've burned out a couple times. Most recently in 2016, burnout prompted a lot of inner work for me.
At the time I was VP of engineering at the startup I founded, with a team of ten.
Every day I saw how I was getting in my own way, and just how many opportunities I had to grow as a leader. But I couldn't actually do much of the work I needed to do while I was in the startup. It was too intense. I had to leave and reboot.
So I left, and I started doing inner work in a completely open-ended way.
In the end, it took about four years.
I was lucky and privileged to be able to take so much time off.
In the first year I was feeling through the darkness for clues.
I had no idea what I was looking for.
I only knew that I was burned out.
I knew that the way I was operating wasn't serving me anymore.
It hadn't served me for quite a while.
I went to EMDR therapy, which was very helpful.
The first big insight: Because I had focused so strongly on engineering as a kid and into adulthood, I realized that my growth was stunted in other areas.
I started reparenting myself.
The second big insight: I had learned to numb my emotions and was disconnected from my own body and my sense of intuition. I believe that's what led to burnout in the first place. I'd lost my connection with my spirit.
Being used to clear career paths and life paths, the scariest thing to confront was the reality that there's no clear map for spiritual development, and it's a winding path, and signs of progress aren't always obvious. There's only a set of tools that have worked for others. You have to be willing to go into the unknown, and try some of those tools, especially the ones that may are beyond your comfort zone. For example, a five-day meditation retreat was a huge breakthrough for me, and it felt like taking a big risk for me to go at all.
In order to really commit to this growth, I needed to let go of the idea that I'd ever return to tech. That was tough, because engineering has been such a big part of my identity.
But I found, after that period, that I was able to come back to tech with a rediscovered sense of genuine curiosity.
I returned as more of a whole human being.
I gained a perspective that couldn't have come through more engineering work.
It's hard to describe spiritual growth, but the entire journey was well worth it.
I learned how to listen with my whole body.
I learned how to get fear out of the driver's seat of my life.
I prioritize very different things than I used to.
I am more able to remain grounded in my body as I work.
I actually enjoy working out now. I play basketball, I box, I meditate.
I feel more of my emotions, and more empathy and connection with others.
I learned how to cry.
I'm so grateful for all of this, it is such a gift.
And today, I love the engineering work that I do in infosec and PKI.
As long as I stay connected to purpose, I'm not worried about burnout.
I can feel that my heart is in my work.
And when it isn't anymore, I will follow my heart to whatever is next.
I am trying to write a map. I am and it is, religious, and it works well for me. More at my site (in profile, nothing for sale... Site format comments welcome.
(ps- I have also worked to make the map when I can for the non-religious, even for purpose in life, growth in the major areas of life, etc, though it does refer to beliefs.)
Every day I saw how I was getting in my own way, and just how many opportunities I had to grow as a leader. But I couldn't actually do much of the work I needed to do while I was in the startup. It was too intense. I had to leave and reboot. So I left, and I started doing inner work in a completely open-ended way.
In the end, it took about four years. I was lucky and privileged to be able to take so much time off.
In the first year I was feeling through the darkness for clues. I had no idea what I was looking for. I only knew that I was burned out. I knew that the way I was operating wasn't serving me anymore. It hadn't served me for quite a while. I went to EMDR therapy, which was very helpful.
The first big insight: Because I had focused so strongly on engineering as a kid and into adulthood, I realized that my growth was stunted in other areas. I started reparenting myself.
The second big insight: I had learned to numb my emotions and was disconnected from my own body and my sense of intuition. I believe that's what led to burnout in the first place. I'd lost my connection with my spirit.
Being used to clear career paths and life paths, the scariest thing to confront was the reality that there's no clear map for spiritual development, and it's a winding path, and signs of progress aren't always obvious. There's only a set of tools that have worked for others. You have to be willing to go into the unknown, and try some of those tools, especially the ones that may are beyond your comfort zone. For example, a five-day meditation retreat was a huge breakthrough for me, and it felt like taking a big risk for me to go at all.
In order to really commit to this growth, I needed to let go of the idea that I'd ever return to tech. That was tough, because engineering has been such a big part of my identity. But I found, after that period, that I was able to come back to tech with a rediscovered sense of genuine curiosity. I returned as more of a whole human being. I gained a perspective that couldn't have come through more engineering work.
It's hard to describe spiritual growth, but the entire journey was well worth it. I learned how to listen with my whole body. I learned how to get fear out of the driver's seat of my life. I prioritize very different things than I used to. I am more able to remain grounded in my body as I work. I actually enjoy working out now. I play basketball, I box, I meditate. I feel more of my emotions, and more empathy and connection with others. I learned how to cry. I'm so grateful for all of this, it is such a gift. And today, I love the engineering work that I do in infosec and PKI. As long as I stay connected to purpose, I'm not worried about burnout. I can feel that my heart is in my work. And when it isn't anymore, I will follow my heart to whatever is next.