I agree with all that you said except the lesson from the military about never complaining down - depending on how how you define "complain". For example, if you've been "given" a very agressive development schedule, my experience has been that it's fair - even appreciated by your team - that you state, succinctly and matter-of-factly, that you believe that the schedule is more agressive than is optimal and that you either 1) argued unsuccessfully against it or 2) argued with partial sucess against the original, more agressive schedule, so there is a partial win. And then comes the positivity. . ."we need to work together to figure out how to meet this schedule with minimal risk". This is what I did as a manager, when applicable, and what I appreciated as a team member listening to my manager.
And I worked for the military for a while - as a civilian - and I observed various leadership styles among the officers and various levels of receptiveness among those they were leading. They knew that they needed to salute and carry on with the job, whether they agreed with the plan or not, but they still appreciated the acknowledgement that the plan they were about to carry out was not perfect but was the best that it could be, given the constraints.
good point. that's not grousing, like i was originally thinking, but is a valid point. it expresses sympathies with your team, and in doing that you can make sure you set them up to succeed: clearing obstacles, gathering materials, resetting expectations, etc. "welcome to the suck."
And I worked for the military for a while - as a civilian - and I observed various leadership styles among the officers and various levels of receptiveness among those they were leading. They knew that they needed to salute and carry on with the job, whether they agreed with the plan or not, but they still appreciated the acknowledgement that the plan they were about to carry out was not perfect but was the best that it could be, given the constraints.