As a trans women, I have a unique perspective on how gender impacts social relations having lived life in each of the two worlds.
Like commenters above mention, emotional support is table stakes in friendship among women. It is a kinder, gentler world - the kind of world you perhaps remember growing up in. That world still exists, but it's typically not accessible to men once they reach adulthood.
How could men access the world of emotional support? By disassociating the idea of gender and emotional support. Growing up in the 90s and 2000s, I remember emotional vulnerability being associated with homosexuality - it was "gay" for men to be emotionally vulnerable with eachother, typically leaving men with women[spouses] or family members as their only source of emotional support. The way out is decouple these two things, to un-"gay" emotional vulnerability between men.
What does it look like? Checking in on friends, learning to open up yourself, increasing emotional intelligence, learning how to hold space and reflectively listen. Not trying to solve people's problems when what they want is to be heard. All of these skills and norms exist within feminine spaces as a matter of course and when folks say "putting in the work" it means learning to employ these things.
It means that being emotionally vulnerable doesn't imply a sexual advancement. It means enforcing that as a reality.
The challenge I’ve seen, is women’s groups tend to not have/allow boundaries. At least in a ‘you can’t say no’ type of way. Lying/hiding stuff is of course pervasive, as a defense. It’s a really common pattern. ‘Mean girls’, ‘gossip group’, etc.
In many, it’s typical to discuss everything from the sex habits of them and their partners (in excruciating detail), their own and others affairs, to every embarrassing detail of their kids lives. It often seems to be a competition to see who can get the most exciting ‘tea’ out of each other.
In my experience, having indirectly seen/overheard many of these discussions, most men would be horrified if they knew what was really going on.
It happens in some men’s groups, but is much, much rarer.
As for my story - I’ve seen quite a few.
Office politics where a senior woman leader was essentially running a ‘sex for leverage’ campaign against all the men (and a couple women) in the group, using the women in the group as ‘bait’.
A church where the pastor got convicted of child molestation, but where the community insisted he be forgiven (after getting out), and he was indeed reinstated - while another part of the congregation had their entire family driven from the group (and harassed socially in the community for years) because the father divorced his spouse because of infidelity and physically abusive behaviors.
Oh, and the classic ‘ex wives club’ stalking and harassing an ex, and any new wife - and manipulating her into ruining herself and joining the club.
I’ve seen all these play out first hand, and they are just a drop in the bucket. I’ve ceased to be amazed at the cruelty often demonstrated.
Abusive men tend to work a bit differently, so their setups often look more directly hierarchical and have less information sharing going on. They tend to operate more off secrecy and/or threats of explicit violence, than manipulation.
But I’ve seen a few (rare) instances of similar setups. People can be awesome. People can be terrible.
It's a state of being emotionally exposed in way that includes uncertainty. Like sharing emotions when you're unsure how the other person will respond. In this case, it might mean opening up more to an acquaintance as a way to develop a friendship but being unsure how they would receive that or reciprocate.
It's simmilar to physical vulnerability but with emotions. Displaying emotions in such a way that someone could - if they were so inclined - emotionally exploit and attack you. For example, opening up about your greatest fears can open you up to ridicule or someone pranking you.
Most men that "open up" to their partners get backstabbed by what they shared and then learn to not do it anymore for protection. Women's love for gossiping is much higher than their empathy.
Why would you go through the effort of creating a sockpuppet just to hurt someone being uncommonly genuine and sharing insights from their lived experience? It’s pathetic. (Not to mention incredibly insecure. Phew!)
If you don’t change, don’t be surprised to find yourself utterly alone in a few decades’ time.
> Sometimes people are acting in extremely perverse, foul, destructive and antisocial ways, and they need to be castigated for it rather than told how brave and powerful they are.
Precisely. This is what I am telling you right now. You lack the very manhood you espouse. Pathetic.
OP made some insightful points that will stick in my mind and impact my life, and I am sure many others feel the same way. Your comment, on the other hand, will soon be flagged out of existence. A complete waste of energy. Your time would have been better spent jacking off in a corner.
> What does it look like? Checking in on friends, learning to open up yourself, increasing emotional intelligence, learning how to hold space and reflectively listen.
My female friends frequently remind me to check in on my male friends, and it’s valuable to reflect on why I don’t make the effort and what it would take to get me to change. Being more vulnerable would only improve my life and yet it feels so difficult. A trans perspective is particularly insightful here, I think, since it straddles both worlds.
> No, it doesn't. Will this madness stop some day?
Many people disagree. You will either have to make peace with that or be a miser, I guess.
As for the rest, I suggest you take that red pill out of your mouth. The only thing it’s doing is poisoning you and robbing you of meaningful human connection.
Like commenters above mention, emotional support is table stakes in friendship among women. It is a kinder, gentler world - the kind of world you perhaps remember growing up in. That world still exists, but it's typically not accessible to men once they reach adulthood.
How could men access the world of emotional support? By disassociating the idea of gender and emotional support. Growing up in the 90s and 2000s, I remember emotional vulnerability being associated with homosexuality - it was "gay" for men to be emotionally vulnerable with eachother, typically leaving men with women[spouses] or family members as their only source of emotional support. The way out is decouple these two things, to un-"gay" emotional vulnerability between men.
What does it look like? Checking in on friends, learning to open up yourself, increasing emotional intelligence, learning how to hold space and reflectively listen. Not trying to solve people's problems when what they want is to be heard. All of these skills and norms exist within feminine spaces as a matter of course and when folks say "putting in the work" it means learning to employ these things.
It means that being emotionally vulnerable doesn't imply a sexual advancement. It means enforcing that as a reality.